An Invitation to Play

Don’t you just love summer? Long days of sunshine, lightning bugs flickering in the pasture, fresh herb cocktails, late night dinners on the grill, impromptu gatherings with friends…these are a few of my favorite things. But do you know what else I love about summer? Baseball. {It mimics life like you wouldn’t believe. If we had all day, I’d tell you how.}

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I don’t have boys, and my girls don’t play, but the game is in my blood. From age 8 to 18, I spent my summers on the pitcher’s mound. I wasn’t the fastest or strongest, but I threw six different pitches and could place the ball almost anywhere I wanted thanks to year-round practice, sheer determination and an intensely competitive spirit. And while I don’t play a sport of any kind these days, a good ball game still makes me come alive.

So here I was watching the College World Series at home, and freaking out because Vanderbilt made it for only the second time ever! {I can’t tell you what a big deal this is for a small school known more for its academics than athletics.} As we made it further into the tournament, I felt a strong desire to go to Omaha. Not exactly my dream vacation spot, but it’s where the College World Series is played.

So last Sunday, when it was clear Vanderbilt was going to the finals for the first time in history, my husband asked if I’d like to go. REALLY?!?! He doesn’t even like baseball! But he knows I do. And we needed some playful spontaneity in our marriage like a bird needs wings. So within a few hours, we booked our flights {to Kansas City, 3 hours from Omaha}, rented a car, reserved a hotel room, and pieced together coverage for the girls here on the farm.

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All of this fast, last-minute planning and unexpected travel was way out of my comfort zone. {Not that I’ve really found my comfort zone since leaving my hometown of Houston and moving to a farm!} But I knew we were supposed to go. And I knew it was about much more than baseball or Vanderbilt making history. Those two things were just icing on the cake!

I love watching all nine innings of baseball, while JD would prefer the highlight reel. But we both felt the same about one thing: this trip represented playfulness for us. It was a spontaneous, impractical, unplanned way for us to be kids together instead of adults who get all tangled up in work, responsibilities, tasks, projects, finances, decisions, etc.

The last two years of marriage have been hard ones for us. I don’t think I have enough perspective to process it all just yet, but I can say this: a major life change plus digging into our stories through counseling has turned us inside out. The ways God has been changing us are all good, but adjusting to those changes is a lot harder than we imagined. It’s like we’re doing this dance in marriage, and all of a sudden the music changed…which means our old dance moves no longer work, and we’re stepping all over each other’s toes! But we’re both confident that we’re going to learn to dance again, and that it’s going to be better than the old dance ever was. We’re committed to working at it…even when it’s hard, unfamiliar and uncomfortable.

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A year ago, a marriage counselor encouraged us to take a break from counseling and find ways to play together. That sounded good, but we had no idea how to play. The counselor made a few suggestions…hikes, bike rides, picnics…anything that didn’t feel like work. {We work HARD on the farm, and we enjoy most of it, so we forget that we still need to play.} To tell you the honest truth, a year went by and we were no better at playing than we were the first year we got here. When we tried, it felt forced…and often ended in tension. Maybe playful just isn’t our thing…so we thought.

Recently, my individual counselor asked me what it would look like if Little Linsey asked Little John David to play instead of getting all tangled up in a mess of old hurts and wounds, most of which are rooted in our childhood stories. {Unhealed pain always find its way back to the surface.} Being playful children sounds good, but how do two grown ups who’ve forgotten how to play invite each other to be playful? I had no idea, so I asked God to show us how to play. Little did I know, He’d answer with baseball just days later. {He knows me so well!}

When JD asked if I’d like to go to Omaha, I knew the answer was yes no matter what it cost…not just because I love baseball or because Vanderbilt was in the finals. And not because the College World Series was on my bucket list. {I don’t even have a bucket list.} I knew this was an invitation to play…to be youthful, spontaneous, unscripted and impractical. When you get right down to the heart of it, isn’t that what playfulness really is? Playfulness isn’t so much about what you do; it’s about how you do it.

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With the Vanderbilt win and a husband who took three days off to watch baseball by my side, you’d think all was perfect in my world. But there’s no such thing as perfect, remember? On the long trip back to Franklin, we stepped on a few emotional land mines with words that triggered old wounds, and the enemy had a field day. We went from victory to defeat in minutes…and stayed there for over half the day. I hate it when this happens! {When the good things of God are assaulted – marriage, playfulness, life to the full – you can bet there’s some spiritual warfare involved. Once we see it for what it is, half the battle is won. For more on the enemy’s tactics, I love C.S. Lewis’ The Screwtape Letters and Stasi and John Eldredge’s Love and War.}

I really wanted to come home and write about playfulness…and only playfulness. I was sure that’s what this trip was all about. As we struggled to converse and connect during our long trip back to Franklin, I was angry, hurt and confused. It seemed that playfulness had been stolen…that the whole point of the trip was ruined. Because all this time, I’ve believed that playfulness and pain can’t share space. It’s one or the other. What a lie! The truth is, you don’t trade pain for playfulness. You learn how to hold both in your heart. And sometimes, being fully alive in your heart and present to life means choosing playfulness in the presence of pain…instead of waiting until pain is fully resolved or healed. There’s room for both. Real life is both.

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Learning to hold opposing emotions in my heart has been one of the greatest lessons of our move. I never imagined beauty and brokenness or playfulness and pain could share the same space in my heart. I’m pretty sure I used to exhaust myself trying to prevent or avoid the pain and brokenness of life, and truth be told, I still don’t fully embrace it or want it. {Who does?} But I know this much is true: holding opposing emotions expands your heart’s capacity in every direction and allows you to experience life with all of your brave and beautiful heart.

Do you need an invitation to play in the midst of pain, struggle or imperfection today? And if the invitation comes, are you willing to drop everything and run after it like a child? Making messes along the way? What would it look like for you to say yes to playfulness today? It can be a small thing. The main thing is that you say yes. Go ahead. I give you permission! Blessings to you!