Brave New Yoga Pants {And Learning To Love A Little More}

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First, I just have to say: today’s photo makes me laugh. I never imagined I’d photograph a shopping bag once…much less twice! {Remember this post from 2011?!?! Same bag.} But hey, I’m not about to photograph myself in yoga pants, so the bag is looking pretty good!

But this post isn’t about the bag. Or the yoga pants. It’s about being brave. {Interesting that the 2011 bag said, “Do one thing a day that scares you.” Just reading those words scared me then! That was before the big move.} So what kind of brave am I talking about today? Shopping at a high-end, over-priced, tight-fitting athletic apparel store?!?! No. The store isn’t the point. {Though when you’re trying to choose bravery over fear, sometimes you convince yourself that overpriced yoga pants will help!}

So here’s my brave thing this week: I’m showing up in a new place where I feel extremely out of place {a yoga studio}, wearing something awkward {skin tight yoga pants}, trying something I’ve never done {yoga}. Once again, I’m moving outside of my comfort zone.This seems to be one of the themes of our move from Houston to Franklin. Had I known, I don’t think I would’ve said yes to chasing our dream! For a girl who was the master of creating and keeping comfort zones, this little yoga class I’m trying feels HUGE.

And not only that…I’m not very good at this new thing. I have no clue what the poses are {chaturanga?!?!}, and I’m ridiculously out of shape. In the past, I avoided things I couldn’t do well. I told myself I didn’t like those things anyway. Sadly, when your goal is perfection, there’s a whole lot in life you won’t try or enjoy. Thank God I’m so focused on the teacher that I can’t compare myself with others too intensely. {Though I can tell you a few are rocking handstands and holding crazy balancing poses!} At least there’s one thing that feels familiar: the Scripture she reads at the beginning of class. Life-giving words make it worth the discomfort.

Another reason this feels like a really big deal: I haven’t been to an exercise class of any kind in over a decade. I think I’m allergic to gyms…and honestly, I’ve acted like I’m allergic to exercise in general. I tried to visit the YMCA with my husband in the fall…only to pull into the parking lot and stare into the window at all the women killing it on the cardio machines. And the seniors raising their arms and lifting their legs in an aerobics class. Then came the tears…totally unexpected. All I could do was turn around and go home. {Thankfully, my husband wasn’t alarmed by my tears. He treated to me a café au lait and a gluten free donut…then cancelled the membership.}

When you’re crying in the parking lot at the sight of people taking care of their bodies, it’s a pretty good sign there’s something deeper going on inside of you. I never thought of myself as having significant body issues, so the tears caught me off guard. I’m still mining for treasure and truth in all of this, but I’ve uncovered a few things along the way. And I don’t know for sure, but maybe you could use a little uncovering, too?

One of the things that day revealed was my own shame over not taking care of myself. Here I am struggling with depression and winter blues…yet doing absolutely nothing physically to release those needed chemicals. Here I am getting older and achier…and not doing a thing to keep a little muscle on these bones. Here I am wanting to feel more alive…but not willing to do the things that bring life. Shame is a downward spiral and turns toxic on a dime.

Once I got past the shame, I realized there was something much more insidious. Something much uglier and harder to admit. In secret, I have thought the most unloving things about my body. This body that is fully known and loved by God, this body that stretched to the max to carry two amazing daughters, this body my husband calls beautiful…this is the body I have chosen to criticize. This is the body I have chosen to condemn with contemptuous thoughts and scathing downward glances. Have you been there?

This kind of contempt and disdain is nothing short of self-hatred. A harsh thing to say…and an even harsher thing to feel. Self-hatred is a thief. It steals the love you’re meant to feel from God and toward yourself. The truth is, most women fight this beast of self-hatred in secret, hidden places every day of their lives. Mostly in their thoughts; sometimes in the way they eat or don’t eat, exercise or don’t exercise. But there’s one thing a beast doesn’t like: exposure. The more a hidden thing is exposed, the less power it has, so I’m learning to call these things what they are. And daring to write about them so that you might receive the gift of exposure, too.

I want to love what God loves, including myself. If I’m hating all these hidden things about my body, I can’t love what God loves. The truth is, God loves ALL of me. And He loves all of YOU. He’s not waiting for a more disciplined, fit and driven you. And he doesn’t miss the younger version of you. He loves you just the way you are at this very moment. The only thing He wants to change is your ability to receive that love.

Wow. I didn’t know I was going to go there today. I thought I was just going to tell you about my brave yoga thing. I guess this whole deal is actually braver than I thought. It’s as if I’m finally saying, “I see you body, I know your imperfections, and I choose to love you anyway.” I’m finally responding to God’s truth that I am worthy of love…that my body is worthy of love. And so is yours!

I’m thankful for that meltdown in the Y parking lot. Pain has a purpose: it points to the places that need healing. And it breaks a heart open so that the healing can come.

One last thing about bravery: it always happens out of your comfort zone. There’s no such thing as a brave act inside your comfortable, knowable, predictable bubble. So if you’re that girl who’s moving out of your comfort zone, even just a wee bit at first, I celebrate you! I am WITH you!

So tell me…what’s your version of wearing yoga pants and going to a yoga class today?

Celebrating you with all of my brave and beautiful heart,

 

 

P.S. Did you see that?!?! I just wrote an entire post. Not the one I thought, but the one that I’m trusting is needed. Now that is something to celebrate!