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So here I am, a few days away from 40, and I’m feeling almost giddy about it! This may sound crazy, but I finally feel like I belong to my age. My Granny always said I was an old soul…wise beyond my years. I don’t know about the wise part, but I never felt like a great fit for younger ages. I never seemed to live those years to the fullest. When peers were putting studies aside to have fun, traveling overseas to see the world, giving up dutiful obligations to pursue their dreams, I was staying the course…the course I thought a responsible, dependable, intelligent, good girl should follow. Perfection was my passion; freedom felt too willy-nilly. {I feel tension in my body just remembering that path. I don’t think I took a single deep breath during all those years. And when someone told me to relax, I tensed up all the more. Right now, in this very moment, I’m taking a deeeeeeep breath.}
Freedom scared me. The perfectionist in me feared getting it wrong. I operated under a false belief that if I could just get it right {that is, perfect}, I could prevent the things that make life feel chaotic and crazy. Or, Lord help me, that I could please everyone enough to get the love and approval I so deeply desired. You can’t tell a perfectionist to just flat out stop. Charging ahead, going her own way, blowing past everyone’s expectations but never meeting her own is all she knows how to do. Anything less is terrifying. Freedom from all of that is unthinkable. Deep breaths are impossible.
If you’re in that place today, there is no shame or condemnation. The striving, perfecting and controlling may be a needed part of your journey toward freedom. The exhaustion, frustration and inability to make life work on your own may be the very things that create a deeper longing for more. The truth is that the things we wish weren’t part of our stories can be the very things that drive us right into the best parts of our stories. Talk about redemption!
The fact that you’re even here reading these words tells me something about you. You long for more. You may not be voicing it yet, but you’re drawn to something you can’t quite name and have come back to see how God is going to turn all of this brokenness into beauty…maybe in my life, but more importantly, in yours. It’s not me you desire to know more when you come here; it’s freedom, truth, healing, beauty, light and life! I want that, too! And as Bravehearted Beauties, I believe we’re fighting for that together! I don’t think I told you this, but the other name God gave me when He called me Bravehearted Beauty was “Freedom Fighter.” I about fell out of my seat. Me?!?! Yes, me. He wants to use me to fight for your freedom and mine. And one of the ways I can do that is right here…with words and beauty. Beauty stirs the heart to life where words fail.
Here’s what I’ve learned about brokenness: there’s a bravery and a beauty to it. It takes courage to let your brokenness show and to let the pain of it rise up and spill out. But with each pain we allow to surface and each tear we cry, our heart cracks open a little more. And the cracking is good because that’s how the healing gets in. Only a broken thing can be healed. And only an open thing can receive more life, light and love. Let the pain out so you can let the love in. As C.S. Lewis wrote, an unbroken heart is impenetrable and irredeemable. That’s not the kind of heart we want!
In time, your tears will change. {I’m believing my tears will be poured back over me like a waterfall of joy!} In time, your heart will change. In time, you will change. And as scary as change may sound to you now, a day will come when you embrace this change in you and ask for even more of it. How do I know? Because if this change resistant girl is asking for more, anyone can!
I believe the second half of life is going to be awesome! I believe 40 means freedom! I believe we can throw perfection and pleasing to the wind and follow our hearts no matter how it rocks the boat. Oh, and that boat rocking? It’s not nearly as scary when the One who commands the winds and the waves is in the boat with you! {I love this story of Jesus calming the storm. I like to picture myself in the scene. And I like to imagine that I might just curl up beside Him when He’s sleeping and not worry about when He’s going to silence the wind in the waves. Because if I’m curled up next to Him, all is well!}
Here’s to 40. Here’s to freedom. Here’s to your brave and beautiful hearts!
P.S. That childhood photo at the top? My aunt took it when I was 10 years old. She was studying photography and wanted to practice a portrait session. I was all dressed up and trying to do all that she asked of me. But in the end, she told me to put my regular clothes back on and hop up on the stool. That’s when she captured the real me: scraggly hair, picked off fingernails and dirty toes. I was a mess, and it happens to be one of my favorite photos. Oh, the irony!
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Hello Bravehearted Beauties! Welcome to my winter view on the farm. It feels like we’ve had more than our fair share of dreary days this season…and lots of cold with only a few flurries. {Come on snow!} Wishing I could turn to the right and see your shining face sitting across from me! Friends and a hot cup of something make all the difference on days like this. And so does good counseling, healing prayer and a sun light! After experiencing the darkness of depression during our first two winters here, I’m celebrating the fact that I’m living in the light…even on the grayest of days. It feels really good to say that. Thank you, God!
So, the truth is, I have no idea what to write about today. I don’t even have a title at the moment, but hope to when I finish! All I know is I need to write. I’ve learned that when God says write, it’s usually a good idea to sit down and see what He wants to do through words. After resisting His nudge for the last 12 days, here I am. And I’m so glad you’re here, too. Let’s see what He has for us.
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I’m a little hesitant to tell you what I’ve heard God whisper to my heart this year, but I feel like I’m supposed to speak it…to make it known. It feels a little scary because there’s a very real risk of failure on my part, but I believe there’s power in bringing hidden things into the light…in making them known and giving them a voice. It just might give some needed strength to the whisper deep inside.
So what is it God’s whispering to my heart? Write.
Write what, God? He didn’t give me all the answers I was looking for {those come as you trust Him with one step at a time}, but I know that writing is life-giving for me…and He’s shown me that my words are surprisingly life-giving for others, too. And if there’s one thing I know I want to be about, it’s bringing more life and light into the world…through beauty, words…whatever ways God asks me to do it. I love partnering with Him to bring more life and light!
When I first heard the whisper, I wanted to point out to God that I’m already writing…as if He didn’t know! I’ve been writing a blog since 2009; I’ve been filling the pages of lined journals since elementary school; and every now and then, I still write an old fashioned letter or note and mail it. {Surely that counts double these days!}
So I’m writing, Lord. What do you mean write? And that’s when I sensed what He was really asking: write more. Where Lord? Everywhere. Here on the blog, in my journal, anywhere. Write more days a week. More of your story. More of your heart.
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I didn’t want to ask anymore questions. What if He asks me to write a book?!?! Or many books?!?!
Oh, good LORD! I’ve already sensed that’s part of my calling. But every time God begins to whisper the book idea {often through other people}, I give Him a long list of excuses…as if He would fall for them! Sorry, God, but I don’t know what to write about unless you give me the title, table of contents and a detailed outline. {And not once have I given Him the chance.} And God, don’t You know there are enough good books, enough great writers, enough people out there telling their stories. Surely the world doesn’t need another. {Like I know what the world needs.} And by the way, God, I don’t have a clue how the whole publishing thing works…and I’m not sure I want to learn anything new right now. {Doubting he knows how to lead me.} And in case you didn’t know God, I’m small potatoes. I’m not exactly one of those rockstar bloggers with a big following whose book will be an instant best seller. {A lame excuse to the God who loves to use small, unexpected people to do brave and beautiful things.} It all sounds too hard, too time consuming, too much like a recipe for failure. I’m not your girl, God.
And that’s where God stops me. YOU ARE MY GIRL.
I blink hard and take a deep breath to release the lump in my throat.
Yes, God. I am Your girl. And I want to be Your “yes girl,” so if You say write more, I trust that it will be a sweet time…even if it’s only meant for Your eyes and mine. Even if we just talk to each other that way. If writing more means deeper intimacy with You, God, I say yes. Because that’s what I really want this year: more of You.
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What do you want this year, Bravehearted Beauties? What are you asking God? And what might He be asking you? What is the MORE that He has for you? Will you dare to say yes? Will you be brave and speak it? I hope so! If you feel crazy saying it out loud, chances are, it’s exactly what you’re called to do. If it feels too big for your small self, you’re on the right track! Let’s be brave together and say YES to whatever God whispers to us this year. I’m with you! He’s with you!
Saying yes with all of my brave and beautiful heart,
P.S. I know the title of the post now: Saying Yes to More. And just like that, the words came to someone who had no clue what to write today. I hope they blessed you, too.
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Hello brave and beautiful ones! How’s your heart on this first day of 2015? I’m not sure I know yet, but maybe we can take a deep breath together and notice what rises up in us when we think about a new year.
Breathe in deeply. Pause. And slowly breathe out. The very fact that we have breath today let’s us know we are here. It gives us something to be grateful for in the moment.
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Now notice your heart…that place that is the core of you. Is it peaceful or anxious? Fluttering or swirling? Quiet or racing? Empty or full? Surrendered or resistant? Still or racing? I’m somewhere in between.
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However your heart is today, are you okay with being in this place? Do you like it here? Do you want more of this kind of heart in the new year, or are you aware of needing a change? Are you willing to be changed? To be broken and stretched? To have your heart’s capacity enlarged? To say yes to life?
Are you willing to say yes to the truth about yourself? Are you willing to believe that you are more brave and beautiful than you think? Would you like to ask God what Bravehearted Beauty looks like in you? I’m asking Him to show you, to whisper it to your heart, to reveal in personal ways what He sees in you.
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All I know for sure is that what He sees is BEAUTIFUL…
that YOU are beautiful.
And you are BRAVE. You wouldn’t be reading these words if you weren’t brave. You wouldn’t take that deep breath and dare to still your heart and peek inside if you weren’t brave.
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Maybe that’s what our hearts need today: to count the ways we are brave and celebrate those before we create a new list of things we need or want to do in the new year. I’ll start.
Here’s how I was brave in 2014:
- I hunted for beauty in brokenness
- I believed in a new name even when I didn’t see it in myself
- I started a new blog with that name after 5 years at the old one
- I dared to believe God speaks through my writing
- I unpacked my story with a counselor for the entire year
- I shined a light on depression {and got out of bed on dark days}
- I believed in hope for our marriage during our hardest year
- I shocked the girls with a surprise puppy {the shedding kind!}
- I bought two little lambs when I didn’t know a thing about sheep
- I let my heart break over Lavender {and did all I could to save her}
- I invited strangers to our farm for a family farm day
- I said yes to hosting a 22-year-old in the midst of our mess {we love her!}
- I suggested a family camping trip in a tent {a first!}
- I joined a spiritual direction group with people I don’t even know
- I started a small group in my home not knowing who would come or what we’d do together {I call them Bravehearted Beauties}
- I embraced the mess more this year than ever
- I ditched the plan and said yes to life in so many unexpected ways
And last but not least, I dared to share all of these things with you here in this online, open-to-anyone space. I’m believing that God has something for all of us here.
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Now it’s your turn. How were you brave this year? What did you do that surprised you? What did you do that makes you giddy or leaves you gasping as you remember it? It doesn’t have to be a big thing. Brave and beautiful hearts grow out of small places…until one day they are bigger and braver than we ever imagined they could be!
If you can’t think of anything, ask someone to help you see. I promise there are brave and beautiful things inside of you.
Here’s to a brave new year, Bravehearted Beauties!
Are you in?
Hello Bravehearted Beauties! How was your Christmas week? Are there any portions you’d like to do-over…or delete altogether? Don’t feel bad; you’re not alone! There’s no such thing as the perfect Christmas, remember? Without our imperfection, there would be no need for Christmas!
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A photo shoot with teenage girls will remind you of the imperfection of Christmas in a heartbeat! It’s a lot like photographing toddlers…only without the matching dresses and hair bows. Actually, I think my girls like the outtakes better than the real deal. And while they didn’t want me to use a funny photo on the card, they wanted them archived somewhere. So, sweet girls, here you go!
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And a photographer who couldn’t nail the shot {me!}:
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Have you ever watched the outtakes from a movie and thought they were the best part? That happens from time to time, but for the most part, outtakes are the mess-ups…the parts you’d rather not repeat. Such was the case with all that happened in our house over the last week, but here’s the deal: Jesus still came. He’s still Emmanuel: God with us. And that makes all the difference on Christmas and all the days that follow.
And in case you’re wondering, we did end up with a keeper for the card:
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Whatever Christmas brought you {or whatever it bought up in you}, I hope you can see the beauty in the brokenness, the joy in the chaos, and the humor in the outtakes!
Get ready New Year. We’re coming at ya…with increasingly brave and beautiful hearts!
P.S. When the cousins weren’t down with the stomach bug, we had a fun time on the farm. Grateful for the sacrifice my sister’s family made to be with us. It’s a LONG drive…especially with three toddler boys! When it was time to pack up and go home, they said they wanted to stay. I’ll take that as the best kind of compliment!
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Hello brave and beautiful ones! I have a few quiet minutes before a joyful noise fills the farmhouse {my three toddler nephews are almost here!}. Instead of getting another bed ready, the kitchen cleaned or presents wrapped, I feel God nudging my heart to sit down and spend a little time with Him…right here with you. I don’t know what to write; I just know that when I sit down, my heart opens to God and words begin to flow. So here I am…wanting to do the needful thing instead of all that feels like it needs doing.
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Here’s the question God is burning in my heart: how do you come to Christmas?
Are you afraid of imperfection…or are you embracing the mess? Are you aware of the weightiness of the season…or are you trying to avoid all things hard and heavy? Are you performing under pressure…or are you free to let things go? Are you filled with joyful anticipation…or battling an undercurrent of heartache and fear?
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However you come this Christmas, just come.
I think Jesus would say His birthday is an open to all, “Come As You Are” party. {Rememeber those? Wake your friends up and drag them to your party in their PJs, bedhead and morning breath!} We know the shepherds and their sheep didn’t clean up for Jesus. They ran right out of the fields and into the manger scene with all their dirty, stinking mess. No showers, no change of clothes, no clean sheep. I still can’t get the barn smell out of my nose when I think of the night Jesus was born. I’ve even lingered in the barn a few times this week to ponder his arrival a little more deeply. Oh, the crazy way He came! I still don’t get it. {And that feels okay.}
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But I’ve also been pondering something else these days: Jesus will come again.
Did you know that Advent means coming? It doesn’t mean came. It’s something that’s still going to happen. So if you feel like you missed Advent this year…if you feel like you didn’t light enough candles, read enough devotionals, create the right environment for your family to soak in all the meaning of the season, there’s still hope. Because He’s still coming. You haven’t missed Him. There’s still time. Right now…right this very moment.
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Breathe.
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Invite Him into your heart right here in this place.
Believing Jesus will come again changes everything this Christmas. It means we don’t have to put pressure on ourselves to have the perfect celebration, the perfect decorations, the perfect gifts or the perfect joy. It means we don’t have to mask our pain or ignore our deepest longings and desires. It means we can live with a deep sense of peace in the midst of our struggle. It means so much more than my mind can grasp or my words can say. Because He’s not finished yet!
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I think one of the reasons we can burn out on Christmas {and if we’re honest, most of us do after enough years of trying really hard to make it super magical and meaningful} is because we keep trying to repeat the celebration of this thing that already happened: Christ’s birth. Don’t get me wrong, that was a HUGE event…a fulfillment of multiple prophesies and promises. But there’s so much MORE!
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What if we begin to look forward? What if we begin to anticipate the day He will come again? What if we allow our longings to increase and our celebratory spirit to embrace the future instead of simply replaying the past? What if we get excited about the promise that all things will be made new and all tears turned to joy? That all relationships will be mended and all broken hearts healed? That we will see all of creation in its full, intended glory? That we’ll see each other and ourselves as we truly are? Now, that gets me excited!
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My daughters love Christmas. They want a perfect one as much as you and I do. But they also know that our replay of the Christmas story never fully satisfies their deepest longings. As my oldest said last night, to repeat the excitement of Christmas again and again is like trying to keep a fire burning when you’ve run out of wood. There has to be more. Amen, daughter. Amen.
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So let us take the pressure off of ourselves this Christmas and put it squarely on the promise of God: the promise that He will come again…that this Christmas isn’t all there is…that He’s not finished yet.
What do you say, Bravehearted Beauties? Shall we shed the burdens, the shortcomings, the ways we fall short and just come as we are? I say YES! You?
Merry Christmas….with so much love,
P.S. I hope today’s photos make you smile. We finally removed the pumpkins from the porch, but our attempt to create our own version of a “perfect” Christmas ended in falling trees, a wind-damaged nativity, dead poinsettias {I guess they aren’t porch decor here in Tennessee; we didn’t have to worry about freezing temps in Houston!}, and paper goods at the dining room table {I don’t own china, so it’s not even an option!}. Whatever your story this Christmas, it’s ALL good. Just come as you are.
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Sherry - Happy, happy 40th birthday Linsey! Your words have spoken to me in exactly the way I needed them today. Thank you. You and your words can only be described as rare gems to be treasured. Keep sharing!
Holly - Lindsey – Happy birthday dear sister! I too am excited for 40! I too struggle with perfectionism, but if you see my house you can realize I have learn to let much go in the past 8 years. Marriage and motherhood have been utterly sanctifying and have truly broken me of my need to be perfect. However, I do still revert to old ways and can find myself on the path to perfection if I am not careful and being honest before the Lord and others. Thank you for your words. So wish we lived closer so I could shower you with treats on your day or have lunch.
Thank you for sharing your soul with others!
Holly (Lieder) Parker
Bravely Believing and Desiring MORE » Bravehearted Beauty - […] entered into 2015 saying YES to more. I felt brave about a new year. I was looking forward to turning 40. And finally, I don’t know that I shared this on the blog, but the words I heard God speak […]